Be careful what you wish for

Birthdays are always strange times of the year for me, more so now that I'm getting to the point of actual aging. Before when I was still a kid birthdays weren't about getting older, they were about presents and cake and friends and being the center of attention for a day. Now, they almost symbolize things. They symbolize moments in your life: growing up, restrictions, responsibility, maturing and relationships. On the coming Saturday I will be able to watch restricted movies and go to concerts by myself. I will be halfway through one person's life a thousand years ago. Growing up seems quite strange to me now. When I think about older people having birthday's, I just think of it as a day instead of them being a whole year older, when they're not really. Because how can you say that that one day means they're a whole year older when in fact they were pretty much the same age the day before, it's just recorded now.

I'm thinking that since I shall soon be 15 it's time to think more about myself. Not in a grown up way, I still want to be a kid but it's only lately that I've really started thinking about myself and how I look and how I act and if I'm really happy with who I'm becoming. I think this is the beginning. My life finally starts here and I think I'm excited, but I'm a little scared as well, because not to long ago being this age was just a dream and I thought being this age would feel old and I would have power or something. But I don't. I feel pretty much the same health wise. I've just realised.

This is it. It's going to be gone soon.

What do we do?

Enjoy it.

Sometimes I wish I could erase certain memories and go over them again, try again, but in a different way with different people or in a different place. I wish I could replay my life and realise at a younger age how shallow I was, and can still be. It's almost like when I was 11 years old and I fell in love with words I could create something beautiful but outside I was still a rotten kid who didn't really care about other people or what things meant or what life meant. I wish that I was still innocent back then and could have been a kid for longer. It's almost to late now. Soon I'll have to really grow up and when that happens, there really will be no going back.